Chapter 2 of my book

2 Receiving Official Layoff Notice

Thursday, September 13, 2007 dawned for me after a very sleepless and tearful night.  

I knew I needed to steel myself to go to work and face the meeting with Human Resources and get the details of how my job would end.  These were the only things I knew for certain, because my coworker didn’t want to violate any rules by giving me too much information over the phone, and I didn’t want to place her in any jeopardy either.  

Judging by the meeting invitation that I had seen that had been recalled from my email, the persons in charge of the mass layoffs were taking great care to ensure that individuals who were out of the office during the official notice didn’t receive any advance information.

It was a very strange and surreal environment that I walked into that morning, although it might have seemed to an uninformed bystander that everything appeared the same.  It was the same elevator ride to the seventh floor, the same swiping the key card to enter the work area, the same basic layout and décor within the work area. 

Many of the same faces were sitting at temporary employee workstations that had been there when I left.  That day, however, it suddenly occurred to me that the ethnicity of the vast majority of those faces was closely linked to the new country where our jobs were going.  

The underlying atmosphere or “vibe” once I opened that door that morning was definitely changed and scary.  It could have been all in my mind or the product of lack of sleep the prior night, but I doubt it.

My supervisor met with me shortly after I arrived and said that she would be glad to go with me to the meeting with H.R.  She and I were always close; she was the best boss I had ever had in my long career, and she often indicated that I was one of her best subordinates ever, so it was a match made in heaven.  

I later learned that she had cried a great deal after learning that she was going to be losing the majority of her best and favorite employees and that she had no say whatsoever in who would stay and who would go.   At that time, there was no doubt that had she been allowed any input at all, she would have opted to retain me and at least one or two others.

I was probably still in shock over the whole situation, and during the actual meeting with H.R., I felt strangely disconnected, like a story you hear about a patient who has died and left his own body and is floating above watching the medical professionals administer life-saving procedures.  

The woman who was reading me the prepared statement was wearing an amount of perfectly applied makeup that made her look nearly clownish, in my opinion, and strangely like the singer Pat Benatar from the 1980s.  She paused at exactly the right places during the statement to look up and make eye contact with me, as well as to take breaths.  It was all like some sort of strange stage play that had been rehearsed but didn’t seem real.

The only words I remember exactly are these:  “Your position has been eliminated.”  

I later gave that a lot of thought.  With all the work I had been doing each day, the constant emails and phone calls, even at home after hours, trying to fix the faulty software system and help the business users to do their jobs in spite of it… my position was being eliminated?  What the hell!  

What happens to the software that isn’t working, the business users in the call center and sales offices who can’t get their jobs done because the computer system is malfunctioning, even the insured people who can’t get a correct rate to pay because their data is incorrect?  Does someone just wave a magic wand and that all goes away?  

How in the world would anyone be trained to do what I had been doing for all those years, and even begin to handle it as well as I had?

There were a few answers in the official statement that at least attempted to address such questions.  I was one of a select group that was being given an option to stay on and train the company, based in another country, that was taking over.  

I would receive several rather large bonuses depending upon how long I was willing to stay on, up until the date that would ultimately be my last day at work no matter what, which I was told would be February 1, 2008.  Apparently some consideration was being given to my exceptional work performance and my trustworthy character, and I did appreciate that.  

I later learned that many others in the department had received one of several less desirable situations:  some were told they needed to pack up their belongings and leave before the end of the week; others were told of an end date several months later with no bonuses offered.

The entire situation seemed totally surreal, and once it was to begin to seem “real” several weeks later, there were going to be an entirely new set of issues to deal with.  But for now, I suppose I felt somewhat fortunate and spared the worst of all possible fates.

Things at work continued for a while pretty much the same as they had been, other than the fact that as word spread among the business users, I was receiving many condolences, prayers and good wishes from those I had worked so hard to help for so many years.  They made it very clear to me that THEY appreciated me even if the company did not.

A short time after the official notices of job eliminations were completed, the foreign contracting firm who was taking over the support of the systems scheduled meetings with all the employees who were being let go.  They held out what appeared to be a lucrative offer to all of us:  Hire on with us, and you will receive your entire same salary and benefits, including vacation, for the duration of time that your system is still being supported in this country.  

Part of me was just plain ANGRY at the foreign company for taking my job; another part of me knew that those who remained behind would be subjected to stresses far worse than anything we had seen at our jobs to date, and I feared for my own sanity.  

I also felt, deep down, that I had always landed on my feet with job changes in the past, and that certainly I would again soon find other work.  For all these reasons, and with the agreement of my dear husband, I declined that offer right away.

Would you read this book? Chapter 1

1 My Job Is Going Away

The writing had been on the wall for a number of years, but like using a chemical to activate disappearing ink, it took the right combination of circumstances for me to see it – and by the time I could read the writing after the fact, this whole event was history.

Monday, September 10, 2007 was a very sad day at a large insurance company in St. Louis County, Missouri.  Individual employees in the Information Technology department of this company were being taken from their workspaces one at a time by supervisors into closed rooms, and came back sobbing.  It was like a slow death, an impending doom that was spreading by word of mouth like wildfire through the department, among those sitting in their cubicles awaiting their turn to be tapped on the shoulder, or perhaps be spared.

Meanwhile, at a luxurious all-inclusive resort in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico, my husband Stu and I were sipping cocktails poolside, totally unaware of the corporate blood bath taking place hundreds of miles away.  

My job had been particularly stressful in recent months, since my company had been taken over by a larger company, and there were rampant rumors of layoffs or job relocations or any of a number of other things.  This situation, on top of the already stressful work involved in maintaining a large software system that was designed and coded in a big hurry to meet management deadlines, resulted in a fairly relentless diet of daily stress for myself and my coworkers.  

We struggled each day to fix the ever-growing laundry list of system problems, and tried our best to comply with the rigorous new procedures for coding, testing and implementing scheduled system releases.  Meanwhile, there were unscheduled emergency mini-releases, calls from system users who needed a work-around, and nearly constant requests for data fixing to correct system errors.  

Work was hardly a picnic, and the vacation that we were taking was a much needed break.  Little did I know that it might well be my last such luxury vacation in my life.

Stu and I were both employed full time and fairly well paid at this time:  I, in my 26th year as a mainframe computer programmer in the St. Louis MO area, and he, as an Activities Director and Property Manager for an upscale active retiree housing community for over 5 years.  

My continued employment since college had allowed me to live independently and comfortably throughout my adult life.  In 1999, the year I married Stu, it had also allowed us as a newly-formed family (myself, Stu, and his two sons, Ben-13 and Josh-10) to move into a really good school district for the boys’ sake.  

We had not only a four-bedroom, 2.5 bedroom ranch house with a fully finished basement in this upscale neighborhood, but we had also purchased a villa unit in the community where Stu was working.  This was partly an investment property, but even more, a convenience for Stu and I both to have a place to stay over weekends when night events were held at the community as part of his job.  

Stu often stayed over out at the villa in order to do other social things as well after his workday ended, mostly playing golf.  He had even managed to get me involved in golf with him and the residents, after buying me pink and purple golf clubs and our taking lessons together.  

We had a cute little golf cart which was fun for riding around the nine-hole course on the property – the riding around was actually more fun for me than trying to drive a golf ball for any distance without inspiring laughter from myself and other spectators.

So, whether or not we fully appreciated it at the time, life was good for us to a large degree.  We had health insurance through my employer and were able to seek treatment for our physical and mental issues as needed.  We didn’t worry about money and probably had more “toys” than anyone would ever need.  

Our boys were doing fairly well; the older one was away at college and the younger one was attending community college in town and living with us, and was able to dog-sit for us while we vacationed in Mexico.  

We had been through several very rough years with the death of both of Stu’s dear parents, most recently his father who had lived with us for close to two years after his mother’s death.  

It had been a tumultuous time for our family in terms of losing both of Stu’s parents in just under two years, but we were grieving and working through our issues, as well as Stu’s executor duties for his parents’ estate, by putting one foot in front of the other.

We were both very grateful to be able to get away to such a lovely place as our favorite all-inclusive resort in Mexico.  The beautiful surroundings, the huge pool, the wonderful gourmet meals and snacks – all of these played a large role in helping us to relax and get away from the daily life stresses we had back in Missouri.

It wasn’t until we arrived back to our home on Wednesday afternoon that I realized something was horribly wrong.  In checking my work email from home, there were some communications that said (and failed to say) some very unsettling things.  

There was one calendar meeting invitation from Human Resources that had mysteriously been issued to me and then recalled.  There was also a suspicious lack of the routine work communications I would have seen on my third work day out of office.  

Since it wasn’t yet time for all my coworkers to be gone from work for the day, I sent a couple of quick emails to my closest female coworker, Ann, and my boss, Kathy, just saying I was back in town and wondering how things were there.  Both of these women could be counted on to reply to emails almost immediately, at least with a couple of words of welcome back, so when I didn’t receive a reply from either, I had to pick up the phone and start calling around to various coworkers’ phones.

I did finally reach one of my coworkers, who immediately said that she couldn’t discuss what was going on, so I said I would just ask questions.  

At first she protested and said “you should hear this from H.R.”, but I insisted and asked a couple of questions.  

“Have people in our area been laid off?” 

“Yes.”

“A few or a lot?” 

“A lot.”

“Is your job going away?” 

“Yes.”

“Is mine?” 

“Yes.”

I expressed my condolences and thanks to her for giving me at least enough information to not be blindsided at work the next day.  I also knew that I would need to do my best to NOT cry while I was being given the official word from H.R. and with supervisors present.  I was to do most of my crying that night instead of sleeping.

I shared what information I had with my husband and younger stepson immediately, and I was crying quite a bit at that point in time.  The three of us went out to dinner at one of our favorite local pubs, but that element of joy normally present in dinner out together again as a family after our returning from a trip just wasn’t happening.

Here's Someone Who Can Really Write

Why doesn't this guy have his own blog?  He's so articulate, and kind of handsome, too.  :)

Confessions from a former Republican: I have always been an Independent, preferring to vote on issues and individuals, rather than follow any straight party line, just because one or two facets of the ideology appealed to me. When we moved to Florida, based on my dissatisfaction with specific things I felt were mishandled with the stimulus/bail-outs and our economy, I voted as a Republican in t

he Primary.

I never joined them, but was initially attracted to the Tea Party, because I saw it as a grass roots rebellion to "the way things had always been done in Washington", and several of their core mission statements appealed to me. That being said, the vitriolic nature of the rhetoric I was reading on Face Book from members of the Tea Party directed at Democrats and the President of the United States completely turned me off. At one point the images and captions got so personal and so insulting and so angry, that I either dropped the people posting them from my Friend list, or I turned off their feed so I wouldn't have to see it every day. I'm one of those old fashioned people that has witnessed in my life time the highest reverence for the office of the President deteriorate into open scorn and disrespect. Yes, I believe in Freedom of Speech, but I also believe when we diminish the highest office in the land, we in fact diminish ourselves as a country and as a people.

It was at that point that I truly felt I didn't want to vote for either candidate. Then there were the scandals, and almost unbelievable quotes from politicians - quotes that made me ask, "What century is this person living in that they don't know basic human biology?"

My Republican friends - I could give you a list of a hundred reasons why I cannot understand your unwavering allegiance to your political affiliation, but in that statement is the reason why I know it would not make a difference to you, not budge you from your belief that the President is evil, that Democrats are evil. Don't even get me started on Bush, what two wars that were going on before Obama took office have caused our country in lives and money.

On the other side of the coin is my disillusionment with the system itself. All Presidential candidates spout a list of promises during their campaigns that conveniently over look the simple fact that without bipartisan cooperation, very little can be accomplished when they assume office. Let's also not forget how much large contributions during a campaign can affect future policy. That's the reality of today's politics; so much of it is determined by money and special interest groups, on both sides of the aisle.

My fervent prayer now is that the Republicans realize that their efforts to derail Obama the past four years, to put up as many road blocks as they could, and to try to distort facts in the pursuit of their desire to get rid of him has backfired as evidence by his re-election. You have to redefine who you are if you want to unite this country, and you have to come up with a different approach in terms of advancing your party's goals for the future. What you have done in the past isn't working.

Yesterday I heard several political pundits say as much. I heard political leaders acknowledge what missteps were made and what changes have to occur if they want the support of the country; things like including women, Latinos, and African Americans more in their focus.

In the meantime, I echo many of the sentiments I have read this morning from people urging their friends and colleagues to accept the choice made by the majority of the country and stop insulting and bad mouthing the President.

Honestly, the politician I have the most respect for today is Chris Christy, a Republican. He showed amazing honesty when he acknowledged and thanked President Obama for his swift response in cutting through the usual red tape associated with getting help to the areas on the East Coast affected by Hurricane Sandy. When he popped up on Fox News (the conservatives’ favorite TV space) and was asked if his party’s candidate should also tour the damaged areas of New Jersey, Christie retorted, “I have no idea, nor am I the least bit concerned or interested. I have a job to do in New Jersey that is much bigger than presidential politics. If you think right now I give a damn about presidential politics, then you don't know me.”

That kind of candor and honesty was refreshing, especially coming from someone who previously was extremely critical of the President.

Let's follow his example and all take the high road for a change.

My name is Stu Cassell and I support this message (I should, I wrote it).

A Day To Remember

Election Days are always important, especially the ones that only come every four years (like Leap Day) - the election to opt to retain or change the party or person currently in power.

It's all over by the time you're reading this, so at this point it doesn't matter.  And I should note that I am writing this ON election day, but you won't see it until tomorrow.

November 6, 2012, oddly enough, would also have been my 25th wedding anniversary, had I done the marriage thing right the first time.  Happy Anniversary, Tom, wherever you are.  I still miss having you in my life, while simultaneously understanding that perhaps it's best that we had no children.

None of my Facebook friends, with the possible exception of a few who talk to me personally and who I know in advance their voting strategy, know how I voted today.  Even my husband doesn't know how I voted the whole ballot early this morning.

Not that I don't enjoy a good conversation with my agree-to-disagree husband. We could even debate opposing viewpoints with respect, because that's how we roll.  But we have so little time to just sit and talk these days, between my working for micro-pay while trying to find a "real" job, and his attempts to find a real job himself while collecting gratefully some of that which Uncle Sam provides for those of us over a certain age.

While Jack and I were walking this morning, I was listening to a very interesting show on NPR regarding the psychology of elections and the polarization of this country to one side or the other.  There are some very interesting components that make up each person's own beliefs, including the usual (race, religion, gender, etc.) but also a lot of other associations.

On the TV show "Survivor," soon after the first season, there came about the idea of "an alliance" which is multiple players joining forces to outnumber the other tribe(s).  At this point, I see Republican and Democrat as nothing more than two giant Survivor Alliances.

In my opinion, what keeps this country free is the balance of power among (not between, because even on the ballot there are more than two parties) the various factions.  The President himself (and someday maybe herself) simply does not wield enough individual power to radically change anything.

Also in my opinion, the constant strident and vitriolic arguing among some (not ALL) members of each party is not resolving or helping anything.  Life is already too noisy and chaotic to hear over all the yelling, especially when you don't wan't to hear it.

Speaking of chaotic, while Jack and I were out walking, we met one of the neighbor's dogs who came barreling across the street from his human's control to meet us this morning.  The dog's name was Chaos.  I'm still smiling about that name, which by itself could be a whole other blog entry.

Anyway, our time on this Earth is limited, and probably shorter for each of us than we would like.  An awareness of the finite quality of life certainly makes one (me, at least) take pause to consider how each minute of each day is spent.  I would rather be writing, for example, than arguing politics with my husband or anyone else.

I now return to my low-paying (when measured by my working hour), but still PAYING, job, on which I have a deadline that is six hours away.  That deadline always sneaks up on me.  Time doesn't really speed up or slow down, but it certainly seems that way when I'm goofing off.

Please note that the world is still turning and things are pretty much the same after election day. I already knew this yesterday, as did most of you reading this.  :)

Brain dump - or Metadata from the Treadmill.

It's a cold and rainy morning in St. Louis County, Missouri.  Jack wanted to walk outside as always, and I wouldn't have minded doing that because I do enjoy it.  But Mommy doesn't do well on slick leaves or other wet surfaces.  She is not old but she's not young either.

Jack will have to wait.  Mommy must use the treadmill.  How far?  Around Lake Verona.  1.3 miles.

How did I get this radio to play National Public Radio at 90.7 FM W--- can't remember.  Not important.

Wrong buttons hit.  Power is now on, clock is flashing.  Screw the clock.  I don't have time for this crap.  Many buttons hit, finally open/close CD deck.  No more flashing clock.

Source. Ah, there's talk radio.  Start treadmill, insert ear buds.  Man, it's chilly in this basement.  Hope Stu is OK next door in his new office where I hear TV and hammering.

Are they talking about Gaugin or the other painter?  My mind is wandering and I will not try to remember this too hard.  The blog may be permanent, but it's not important.

Better than Facebook, though, if I really want to be a writer.

Don't be too hard on yourself about the spelling and puncture-ation.  Keep it organic.

We now go to a break - OK, where's that preset button on this remote?  A-ha.

Oh, no.  I did NOT hit auto-program at some point on this radio.  Not in a BASEMENT in a major metropolitan area.  Static, static, static.  Sigh.  Gotta learn how to use this thing.

There's music I can walk to.  Just dance.  Duh, duh, duh-duh, just dance.

We've raised ya-dee-blah dollars for victims of Hurricane Sandy - I "should" care about this, so pay attention.  And here's how YOU can help.  Well, maybe I can't, but, Dear Lord, please help the victims of Hurricane Sandy to get what they need and survive, physically and emotionally.

OK.  Change the station again.  Where's that Brew?

I'm going off the rails on the Crazy Train.  Yeah, I sure am.  Stu says not to call myself "crazy".

Sharon Osbourne did WHAT?  Like Kelly Bundy... er, Christina Applegate... yeah, great article on her in MORE magazine.  Apparently she WAS diagnosed first, poor thing.  Sharon wants to be around for her great grandchildren-- wait, what?  Does she even have grandchildren yet?

How old is Sharon... as old as me or older?  Probably older.  Don't go there, don't do the age thing.  I'm 45.  I'm 53, I'm gonna be - STOP DOING MATH ALREADY.  November of 19- blah blah.  That's all you need to know to be totally truthful. 

Remember in the interview you simply say if asked "I have twenty more years to work".  TRUE STATEMENT.

Wow, I'm getting winded.  Where am I now?  I think I'm coming up the big hill on Circle Street with the lake on the right.  That makes sense.  Yay.

Love this old Mott the Hoople song, it's me.  Once bitten, twice shy, babe.  Yeah, that's it.  My big mental brick wall.  Sorry, we're closed.  LOL.

They did not just say "The Brew" in the lyrics??? Clever marketing for this station.

They did NOT just say she has a Kindle in the lyrics?  What is this, a remake?  Oh yeah, they call it a "cover".  Well, cover THIS.  At least it isn't auto-tuned.  UGH.

Change the station.  OK, I love this but I can't walk to it.  Well, smart-ass, maybe that means you aren't supposed to be walking that fast.  It's organic.

Am I an IT Professional - Oh, crap, how I hate those damned abbreviations.  I don't really think I am IT in all caps.  Maybe that's part of the problem.

Am I an Information Technology Professional?  Am I a writer?  Am I a singer or musician?

The answer is Yes.

Is someone trying to sell me something here?  Are they trying to control me?  Do they want me to give money to hurricane victims?  Are they trying to force me into voting their way or buying their product?

I do need a real job, don't I.  Yes.

The answer is Money.

OK, enough time wasted.  I have reached destination 310 E. Main Street with all the yard work needing done.  Or, my current house with all the raking needing done.  Maybe Stu will do it like he did before.  

It's a virtual walk anyway.  1.3 miles is enough.  Time to stop.