Why Are We Both Up So Early?

Our coffee brewer clicks on and starts its daily job each morning at 5:00 AM, by directive of the household management committee. One of us, who shall be referred to as “He”, is routinely already awake at this hour just waiting to start his day.

The other of us – let’s call me “She” – really appreciates the opportunity afforded by her chronic unemployment to get her desired 9 solid hours.

He not only has demons in his brain, but he is a morning person ever since becoming a father in the 1980’s. At his current point in life, he is basically able to leap tall buildings in a couple of bounds on less than 6 hours of sleep. 

She, on the other hand, came factory-installed with a few genetic demons which are routinely adjusted via carefully-curated meds and a structured habit of 9-plus hours of sleep.

For some of us, this time of year burns just a wee bit too brightly throughout the dark night. While I can empathize that we need a little Christmas right this very minute, I also admit to doing some 3 AM fantasizing regarding the availability of individual sensory deprivation tanks for anxious introverts during December.

This particular morning, a youthful couple of neighbors arrived home to their house just across the street a little after 3 AM. I cannot blame them for my own alert state, which had more to do with my own physical realities than their holidaying. 

However, there’s something about a car door shutting normally in the dark night that consistently makes me want to tear open the shutters and throw up the sash. There is a lengthy anecdote about some prior youthful neighbors to which I will not treat you at this moment. 

Digressions notwithstanding, She was in a semi-doze state from around 2:30, when some physical reality related to temperature awakened She and nagged at her to force the large canine in her bed (let’s call him T) to free up some real estate. T complied obediently if not energetically. 

She then allowed the IBM-370 that is her brain to process large batches of life data for the next little while until the post-3AM percussive sounds. At that point, She was compelled (did I mention her compulsive tendencies?) to leap from her bed sans eyeglasses and gently open a corner of her bedroom drapes to see what was the matter.

Only her trust of said neighbors allowed her to return to bed without expecting a red and blue light show totally unrelated to the winter solstice.

It was after 4:30 AM when the squeal from the bedroom door of He awakened She and T, a somewhat normal routine in their household. T is very food motivated and does not instinctively understand weight management. 

T therefore responded to the clarion call of He by springing from his bed to see what was the matter, causing a seismic ripple in the bed force for She. T continued to remind He of his presence down the short hallway by hurling his 70-plus pound self against their bedroom door until He gently opened it and released T.

She didn’t care. She was already jonesing for her coffee and wondering what time it was, while applying self-discipline and not trying to read the clock. 

Therefore, after audibly ascertaining from her darkened bedroom that the morning feeding routine of J and T (both canines) had been successfully completed by He (status code = 0000), She applied socks, slippers, morning medications, and glasses as required by her physical being upon official awakening.

She snuck into the hallway and immediately became aware of a light on in the living room, meaning that He was not in his normal place in their universe (his basement office) at that hour. She therefore made a subtle yet audible amount of sound while turning the corner so as not to prompt surprise-induced heart failure in He.

When He saw She, he shook his head and said quietly to her, “Why are we both up so early?”

‘Tis the Season, y’all. Have a ball – responsibly, please. Thank you.